honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.