Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones
1. Create a podcast
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.