@ClareCoffey

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

1. Create a podcast

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@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@ladybroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.