How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??