[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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he’s doing your taxes
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.