Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
no such thing as a dumb question
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?