Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
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She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That’s the rumor!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside
CDC: absolutely not
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….
Everything sounds the same.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”