I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
When Girls Are On Their Period