@KimmyMonte

How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower

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@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@_Water_Baby

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

@juskewitch

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@poutinesmoothie

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.