@KimmyMonte

How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower

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@TechnicallyRon

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

@BreachingBad

She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.

@ArfMeasures

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

@BradBroaddus

Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@Divergentmama

Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

@PlatinumShower

I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”