How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales