How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined ÂŁ300 despite how impressive that sounds
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
live long and prosper!
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the đź•ł symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.