How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Care for your back
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Why am I like this?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.