ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
Yes- That’s too much.
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet
It’s so hard to meet people these days
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?