HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.