Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.