@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

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@Mr_Kapowski

*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@Darlainky

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

@mom_ontherocks

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

@mariana057

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@daddydoubts

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@walks_on_legs

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.