at ease…shoulder.
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”