@bakedbrotatoes

How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:

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@Mom_Overboard

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@AimeeHelene1

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?