Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
How to walk up the down escalator:
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?