How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA


Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?


Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me


Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent


British ppl be having sex like “mmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on”


Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys


I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored