How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I need to get some bricks…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody