@sailorrooscout

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

You Might Also Like

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@NewDadNotes

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.