I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.