How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That鈥檚 my Doctor.
U talkin 2 me?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If Christian Bale鈥檚 voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I鈥檓 a business owner.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.