Just how popey was the pope today?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
You Might Also Like
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.
Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.