@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

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@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

@deeprocktees

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.

@ericsshadow

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

@bonehugsnirony

[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@MissSassy_Pants

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

@SocialOutcast82

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

@denicmarko

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.