@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

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@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@cloudcm

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

@Chhapiness

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

@imence2

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

@bobvulfov

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

@simoncholland

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.