Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
You Might Also Like
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
this is the best interaction on twitter
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.