Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Sven is short for Sventipede.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sees 40+ notifications. Starts to wonder if I accidentally uploaded a nude.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.