“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
This could be us… but you playing
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?