“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”


MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out
ME: What if he’s already seeing someone
MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship


[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.


contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way


i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head


If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.