@brennadine

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

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@BigBagOfScum

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

@InternetHippo

MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out
ME: What if he’s already seeing someone
MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship

@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

@Gooooats

It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.

@MarfSalvador

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

@jonnysun

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

@TheNYAMProject

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.