the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
He’s going to change just for you?
Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug