“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING


The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…


[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it


Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?


Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!


I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.


12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.


He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid