When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.