“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch


My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”


I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.


Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne


Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him


Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here


Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*