@Divergentmama
@kelkulus
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You Might Also Like
@kelkulus
@CruisinSoozan
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
@Mitchoacan
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@ItsAndyRyan
Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch
@daddydoubts
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
@AsYouNotWish
I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
@Introvert_Dad
Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.
I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
@ThatBloke_Jesus
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*