They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
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I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.
I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*