How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I falcon love using swear birds
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again