@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

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@beedubyah1

It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face

@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

@jonnysun

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

@GrantTanaka

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@offbeatoliv

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”