how was your vacation
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my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The “baby” on the left….
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”