@PhilJamesson

how was your vacation

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@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

@Poutymcgee

The cat licks itself and it’s cute. I do it and I’m “no longer allowed in the library”.

@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@LloBrow

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

@Paige__xxx

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

@HeyJennyConway

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

@ALXtampa

I am taking care of my procrastination issues….. just you wait and see!

@Midgetspar

I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.