@JasonLastname

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

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@garrydavenport

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

@ArfMeasures

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

@causticbob

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.