Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.