How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

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The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.


My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run


My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.


I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.


My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.


When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.


The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.


GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’