@JasonLastname

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

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@ThePocketJustin

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

@3sunzzz

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

@BradBroaddus

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

@missekay

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

@MelKassel

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@ATXBOSS

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’