How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love