How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
3% human
97% stress
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.