What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You Might Also Like
Its a hippotatomus
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.