I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Smile they said.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.