“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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*has no idea what a book even is*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.