Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Battery falling down a hole
October already? What’s next? November????
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
They must have gotten it to go.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[shakes fist at other fist]
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”