“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.