To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.
All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
9 year old daughter: Are you sure?
Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?