“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

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To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.


Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that


When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*


My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.


All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.


If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.


I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*


9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?