Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.