Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”