“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
For those that worship cheese..
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
What’s a Messi?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
2022 be like
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
is it earth
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?