@BarndogKarck
Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.
@amandajpanda
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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@BarndogKarck
@Darlainky
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
@krishna_van
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
@dinnersruined
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
@WorkingMom86
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
@UnexpectedSAHM
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
@KylePlantEmoji
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
@CornOnTheGoblin
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
@Mr_Kapowski
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
@AbbyHasIssues
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.