“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

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The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.


In my opinion – until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint – they have no business calling it a Happy Meal


When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”


*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup


*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?


Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.


The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.