@megantwentytwo A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
@amandajpanda “How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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@megantwentytwo 
@ItsDumbTweets Omg… no
@KrazykurtKurt When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
@KlatuBaradaNiko I am beautiful
@FredTaming waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
@FKACornshucks TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
@gilbertjasono Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
@TheHyyyype WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
@bourgeoisalien pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”