“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A man of commitment.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles