@Kyle_Lippert

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

You Might Also Like

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@DaddyJew

Imagine being rich enough you could take your car in to get looked at every time the check engine light came on

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@TylerLinkin

Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.