“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?