Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .