@HiddenPinky

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

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@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@Birdhumms

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

@Jerrypleasure

Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*

@KeetPotato

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.