”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

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Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.


9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”


Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.


I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.


I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”


Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.


Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.


My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.


You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look