@SentenceReduced

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

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@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@Wordesse

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

@kathybotteas

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@SamuelHLowe

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@SondraDeeMe

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

@ShaeAaron

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

@wokkax3

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look