Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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Me: No, two of those are clean.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look