”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“I wouldn’t.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn