How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Meat Cute
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.