“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*


The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.


I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”


My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing


*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”


Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!


if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel