@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

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@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@KelleysBreakRm

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

@iRowlf

I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@UniqueDude2

*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”

@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

@120yearz

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel