I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?
Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.