Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@KelleysBreakRm

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

@iRowlf

I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”

@elle91

This is my cat’s medicine.

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@jellybnbonanza

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

@UniqueDude2

*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”

@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

@120yearz

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel