Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”
This is my cat’s medicine.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel