howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red