@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

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@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@awildhope

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”

@filibertohx_

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@rolldiggity

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@Marlebean

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

@SortaBad

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

@_ElvishPresley_

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all