@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

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@nyquills

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@AimeeHelene1

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@IchBin_Rob

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@osoplain

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?