How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…


On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”


“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo


Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.


1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.


[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one


It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.


ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*


*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all