How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?



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Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”


Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.


AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain


Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.


Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”


I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.