@Reverend_Scott

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

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@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@Marlebean

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

@cuckoo_cachu

Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.

@Gwinifer

Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.