How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.