How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Respect
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.