“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*3.5 thank you very much.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV