“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary