@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

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@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@generaldietz

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

@Desert_Musings

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@iGreenMonk

“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.

@markydoodoo

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

@Parentpains

I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@subtweetopath

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.