How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.