You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)