@FrogAvalanche

“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
“Yes.”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”

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@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

@HallpassCanada

My work has this cute thing they do where if you’re really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.

@MinaWorldPeace

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

@copymama

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.