How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.