@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

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@GorillaNipples1

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

@luiki89

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@dougbies

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

@CIAGoFundMe

2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife

2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69