Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.