People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
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me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”