When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.
Sorry but thems the truth.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*
*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*
YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Him: Tell me more about yourself
Me: Are you a cop?
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping
Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!