HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

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When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult


You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.

Sorry but thems the truth.


Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.


*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*



I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.


I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping


Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.


Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!