@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

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@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@KoKeniSasquatch

You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.

Sorry but thems the truth.

@RodLacroix

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN

@CarpentersCrack

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@ThisOneSayz

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!