HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
good work, everybody
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?